Valentine’s Day is like a bottle of Valentina.

Now I’m not one that knocks on holidays but… Actually, who am I kidding? I always make fun of holidays and pseudo-holidays, but usually in good stride and mostly in ways that are tongue-in-cheek.

And I’m definitely not one to go around knocking on holidays by comparing them to badass hot sauce, but I have a nice little simile going on here. Hot sauce, like Valentine’s Day, requires tolerance. Valentine’s Day, like hot sauce, also requires tolerance.

Even three weeks later I’m still on the idea of Valentine’s Day. It bothers me. That’s right, I went there, Mico is BOTHERED (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon reference). I live in a neighborhood where I get bombarded with people crossing my path just to block me from walking and trying to sell me buckets of roses, oversized teddy bears, and balloons that will deflate by the end of the week. When I say no, I walk a block and it happens again. And again. Then it gets to the point where I’ll willing take the CTA that I dislike ever so much.

What’s worse is that as a Midwesterner I have to deal with Sweetest Day as well. That’s not until October, but God do I loathe that day. It’s just Valentine’s Day in October with people doing all the stuff I just mentioned up above but to a lesser extent.

You know what I want twice a year? Shamrock shakes. Not going to happen, sadly. Now it is time to get a new iPod and my running shoes ready so I can jog past people in a few months.

CTA: Cat Trapping Agenda

Let’s play a game; A game where you have to use your imagination. Just between us, we’ll call this game “make believe.”

Imagine that you’re a cat; if you’re younger than 18, feel free to imagine yourself as a kitten, maybe a really cute one with a nice little bell your owner forced on you so you can’t creep around like cats do. Imagine that you needed to get from point A to point B but needed a kitty carrier to lift you to your destination. You find yourself outside for a few minutes waiting and a carrier eventually arrives and stops right before your little paws. The little gate opens and you climb in, pay for your fare with your hard earned Meow Mix, then claim a spot for yourself on the left center of the carrier. You sit and watch kittens jump up, down, and all around the carrier, their parents not doing a thing until you give them that cold, serious stare. A few minutes of not being to enjoy the silence later you climb out of the carrier and arrive at your destination within an adequate amount of time. Fin.

Imagine again that you are a cat, or a kitten with a very annoying bell if that’s what floats your boat, and you needed to get from point A to point B. You take to the streets and wait for the carrier and after a few minutes you realize that you’re not on a carrier, but still outside. You board the carrier after a longer wait and it is noticeably more populated. You have a bit more trouble claiming a spot because there are other cats everywhere. You give up your precious Meow Mix pieces, and then look around for a spot to settle. You don’t want to share your personal area because you’re a cat after all. You get to your destination, but you wonder if you have to put up with that every day. Every so often, you find yourself even more irritated and sometimes there are other cats that begin to vent their frustration on each other, raising the irritation of everyone in the carrier. Then you wonder if it’s worth giving up your Meow Mix pieces up for.

Maybe a certain itty bitty kitty committee best get the scooper and clean up the litter box because it’s really starting to stink.

Still Team Coco, Still Not Watching Chin

The better man always wins.

Actually, I thought that the better man always won until January when Leno’s shitfest of a primetime show got canceled and NBC planned on bumping Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Fallon so Chin could have a 30 minute show before Conan’s. Somehow his show would still be called The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, even though it would be airing on the east coast at 12:05am. (Wouldn’t it technically be The Tomorrow Show with Conan O’Brien if he had accepted the bump by NBC?) Not only that but Late Night with Jimmy Fallon would have also been bumped, and we still have no clue what would have happened to Last Call with Carson Daly.

Thankfully Conan didn’t put up with NBC’s shit and was able to get out of his contract. I’d rather Conan be off the air shopping around for a better place for himself that actually promotes his show since a certain incompetent network let it suffer by instead giving the advertising time to a waste of an hour on television that will not be named.

At this moment right now, the internets are attempting to get #imwithcoco, Chin, and Conan O’Brien to trend on Twitter without mentioning the names Tonight Show and Leno to make sure they also don’t trend. My TweetDeck feed is going crazy with all the #imwithcoco tweets.

Nope, still not going to watch Leno, not even to see what he does “differently.” Instead, I’ll be watching The Simpsons and TMZ on Fox Chicago at 10:30pm Central Time, go take a piss for about six minutes, then tune in to NBC to watch Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Suck it, Chin! You’re not getting ratings from me. I’m not even going to check out your musical guest, whoever it is.